


Words to Choke On

by etotakatsuki



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Gen, ghoul!Hide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 03:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5076655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etotakatsuki/pseuds/etotakatsuki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the times Hide wanted to tell Kaneki he was a ghoul.</p><p>Or, moments Hide comes to regret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Words to Choke On

**Author's Note:**

> AU where Hide is and always has been a ghoul.

The first time Hide wants to tell Kaneki he is a ghoul, they are eight years old.

They have been friends for two weeks, if you can call their one-sided interactions a friendship.

But Hide is happy to be the talkative one, to drive all their conversations, to initiate all of their encounters. 

Hide understands. He knew from the moment he saw Kaneki that he was a person who was accustomed to loneliness, who didn't know how to have a friend. And that's fine with Hide, because he isn't quite sure himself. He doesn't mind waiting, and learning how to form a friendship together.

The day Kaneki finally reaches out to him begins like any other. Hide is a little too loud, makes too many jokes, stands a bit too close to Kaneki and only realizes when Kaneki stiffens beside him. He says goodbye to Kaneki the same way, at the same point during their walk home, and turns to leave, just like every day. But this time Kaneki stops him.

"Wait," he calls out, so softly Hide almost doesn't hear it. But when he turns around, Kaneki is shifting on his feet awkwardly, gripping his bag tight enough to turn his knuckles white, and looking anywhere but at Hide.

And Hide waits. He doesn't mind. He knows Kaneki just needs a moment, and he's happy to give it to him.

Finally, Kaneki turns to look at him, a soft flush on his cheeks highlighting his nerves. And then he speaks again. "My mother promised to cook burgers tonight," he says quickly, words tumbling out. "They're my favorite. Would you like to join us?"

Hide gapes for a moment, going over Kaneki's words again to make sure he understood. Then he breaks into a huge grin. This is the first piece of himself Kaneki has offered to Hide, the first attempt he's made to build their friendship. In Hide's excitement, he almost confesses.

He catches himself at the last second. He couldn't mess up and force his family to move again so soon, not after what happened last time, not when that was his fault too. So instead, he scratches the back of his head, and tells Kaneki he loves burgers, but his family has plans tonight. So maybe next time.

Kaneki looks surprised, but he nods and smiles, and his blush deepens when he agrees, "Next time."

Hide waves goodbye again, and despite the close call, his heart is light as he walks home.

-

Hide keeps quiet for two years. Until Kaneki loses his mother.

If Kaneki was lonely when they met, it's nothing compared to now. The weight of it is crushing him, taking its toll, and Hide feels like there's nothing he can do. How can he call himself Kaneki's best friend if he's so useless when Kaneki needs him the most?

He wants to ask Kaneki to come live with him, but when he brings up the idea to his own mother, she snaps at him. There's no way they could bring a human into their home, she tells him. But maybe, Hide thinks, maybe if Kaneki already knew, and didn't mind --

But then Kaneki tells him that he's moving in with his aunt, and the thought dissipates, and Hide feels foolish. He shouldn't have been considering burdening Kaneki with another weight like that, not now of all times. Even if he meant well.

He knows this is one secret he can never share with Kaneki. Even if he thinks he has a good reason. This is a secret that could only hurt Kaneki, he tells himself, and he needs to keep it for Kaneki's sake.

-

The next time Hide questions his decision, they are fifteen, sitting on a plastic whale in a playground at night, staring at the stars. They're sharing french fries, and Hide doesn't mind because they're soft and small and easy to swallow.

And in a fit of impulsiveness, he asks, "If you were a ghoul, would you eat Yoshikawa from class 2? You know, the one you like?"

Kaneki chokes on his french fry, and stumbles over his words as he tries to respond. "N-no, I wouldn't. I couldn't eat a person. And I don't like her that much..."

Hide forces a laugh. "But if you were a ghoul, you'd have to eat _someone_."

Kaneki frowns. "No, I wouldn't. That's -- that's horrible. Why are we talking about this?"

Hide waves a hand dismissively. "You're right, sorry, I was just teasing you about Yoshikawa."

Kaneki huffs, and Hide wonders with a sick, morbid curiosity how Kaneki would react if he told him right now. If he told Kaneki, and showed him his kakugan, would Kaneki still believe ghouls are horrible creatures? Would he scream? Would he run to the CCG? Would he betray his best friend of seven years?

Hide decides he doesn't really want to know. 

-

Then they are seventeen, trying to decide what universities to apply to that year.

It's lunch time, and Hide is picking at his food as usual, while Kaneki talks excitedly about Kamii's literature program and swallows his food a bit too quickly. He coughs, nearly choking, and Hide can't contain his laughter. Kaneki scowls and washes his food down with water, and during the lull in their conversation, Hide overhears something that sends a chill across the back of his neck.

"Ikeda wants to join the CCG," he says, and hopes he sounds nonchalant.

"Hm? How do you know?" Kaneki asks when he finishes drinking.

Hide cocks his head toward the group on the other side of the classroom. "I just heard him talking about it."

Kaneki shrugs. "It seems like dangerous work. But someone has to do it."

Hide frowns. "Is it really necessary though?"

Kaneki pauses in the middle of another bite of his lunch. "What do you mean? Is it really necessary to fight ghouls?" Kaneki furrows his brows, confused. "Of course it is. They're monsters. They kill people."

Hide turns to look out the window. He doesn't want to know what expression Kaneki is making. "Yeah, you're right. Sorry, ignore me."

Kaneki mumbles about how Hide doesn't make sense sometimes, and then the moment passes, and he forgets all about ghouls in favor of telling Hide more statistics about Kamii. Hide nods along, and pretends like he cares.

-

They sit together in a coffee shop, and Hide wonders if maybe he should be used to this by now, as he listens to a man on the news discuss the dangers of ghouls, and hears his best friend agreeing.

Hide understands. How could Kaneki think any differently? He's a human, and ghouls eat humans. But it still makes his chest ache. 

Hide tries to ask leading questions. He tries to guide Kaneki towards realizing that ghouls could be more than the CCG and the news channels portray them as. But then Kaneki draws what he imagines a ghoul to be, and Hide decides to do the same.

Kaneki draws a monster. Hide draws a person.

He should be used to this, he tells himself, and tries to change the topic. He asks Kaneki about the girl he's crushing on, the reason Kaneki asked Hide to meet him here, and he glances around them, taking note of all the ghouls in the shop, and behind the counter. And then Kaneki grasps his arm and whispers to him, and when Hide turns to follow his best friend's gaze, he knows his fears were not misplaced.

Now, again, he finds himself frozen, mouth open and ready to speak the words he's been wanting to say to Kaneki for ten years. That in itself is not unusual, but the reason for it is new.

Kaneki is staring across the cafe at a woman, and Hide instantly recognizes her as a ghoul, and as the beautiful bookworm Kaneki had fallen for.

He knows he has to do something. He can't let Kaneki become involved with a ghoul, especially not one giving off the chilling aura surrounding that woman. There's no telling what would happen, but Hide is positive it would end badly for Kaneki. He can't allow that.

But he can't tell Kaneki his secret here, in public, in a ghoul cafe, surrounded by ghouls. If he reacted poorly, that would be a death sentence as surely as a date with that woman.

So instead, Hide takes a deep breath, and forces his voice to remain steady as he tells Kaneki, "I have a bad feeling about that woman. Stay away from her. She's dangerous."

Kaneki's jaw drops, and he tries to argue, to ask Hide to clarify, to ask how he can tell. But Hide gives a cheap excuse about work, and makes himself leave the cafe before he says something he'll regret. 

-

Hide feels like he's going to be sick.

Kaneki is blabbering on about how great this date is going to be, how lucky he is, and with each word, Hide feels the coil in his stomach tighten.

"I'm really happy for you, man," he says, and prays Kaneki doesn't notice the way his voice wavers.

He doesn't.

Hide considers telling Kaneki everything, here and now. _Kaneki,_ he'd say, _I'm a ghoul. I've been a ghoul all this time. And I have to tell you because your date is a ghoul._  


He doesn't.

-

He follows them instead.

He makes Kaneki tell him what time their date is, under the pretense of begging Kaneki to call him as soon as it ends to give him all the details. And then he waits outside of Kaneki's apartment to trail him to the restaurant.

Hide scoffs as he watches the woman order a sandwich, and take one bite. She's not even trying to be discrete, he thinks. But Kaneki doesn't know any better.

And when she pulls the frightened young woman act hours later, Hide wants to scream, but Kaneki falls for it completely. And Hide watches his worst fears come true as she leads him down an empty alley.

Hide knows what's next. He's seen this scene play out too many times to count. Maybe this is his punishment, he wonders briefly. For never intervening before. Maybe now the universe is getting even, forcing him to chose which way he wants to lose his best friend -- by doing nothing, or by finally acting.

It's not much of a choice, really.

He springs forward, out of the shadows, and around the corner just in time to see the woman sink her teeth into his best friend's shoulder.

Hide watches Kaneki stumble backwards, clutching at his wound. His face is pale, his eyes wide and horrified, and the ghoul only laughs in his face and licks her lips. There's a sharp crack, and her kagune burst from her back to take aim at her prey.

She collides with Hide's kagune instead.

He's a bikaku -- technically, he should have an advantage over her rinkaku. But he's far from experienced in fighting, and she's much too strong. She laughs as she slashes his kagune into pieces, and impales him the way she'd planned to do to Kaneki.

Hide nearly laughs. He spent so long keeping this secret, finally revealed it to save Kaneki's life, and they're both going to die anyway. But he supposes there's worse ways to go.

And then there's a deafening crash, and the woman is buried under steel beams. Hide blinks, trying to process what just happened, but the ghoul doesn't emerge from the wreckage. And then he does laugh. Because this entire encounter has been too much.

Hide staggers to his feet, clutching at the wound in his abdomen. He can already feel it healing, that uncomfortable prickling sensation of RC cells stitching his body back together. He'll be fine, eventually. Right now, he's more concerned with Kaneki.

He glances up, sees Kaneki crouched further down the alley, pressed tight against the wall.

"Kaneki," he pleads softly, takes a step forward, reaches out his hand --

And Kaneki flinches.

Hide recoils as if he were burned, clutches his hand to his chest, and stares. He stares as his best friend cringes, pulling away from him, eyes wide with terror.

His kakugan are still active, he realizes, and blinks them away. But the damage is done.

Hide nods, and turns away. There's a pain in his chest that has nothing to do with his injuries. He wants to speak, but his mouth is dry, and he doesn't know the words to say.

So he doesn't. Hide walks past Kaneki, notes the way Kaneki watches closely and backs away after he passes, and he prays that Kaneki will reach out to him again. That he'll ask him to wait, the way he did so long ago. That he'll take one simple act to save their friendship.

He doesn't.


End file.
